Raw Emotions

Ugh it's very hard to be positive today. I usually don't write when I'm crying and emotional but maybe someone will relate and it will help. I literally can't stand being alive living like this. I spent 15 minutes on a recumbent bike and floated for 10 minutes in water yesterday and today I can not move my neck, stand up straight or walk well at all. I'm fucking 36.  My pain threshold had been crossed.  It's the type of pain that leads even the most holistic anti pharm girl to take a Percocet. I usually can do anything with ease, solve any business issue practically, play any George Michael song on the sax but the one thing i can not do is figure out how to cure my physical disabilities.

It's the biggest mind fuck and I'm so thankful that I can usually see the positive and fight my hardest to make the best of things but today, today is not one of those days. I listen to others complain about what feels like "luxury life" problems like having trouble conceiving like it's the end of the world. It's not, the angst in me screams, if having a child is that important then it being your blood or not isn't a real problem. Having a child is a luxury, being able to walk is a necessity, my resentment tells me.  

Then I read articles with perfectly able bodied people having to get gastric bypass because they're 300 pounds, give me that body, I'll lose that weight naturally because not being able to control eating potato chips and junky food isnt a real problem, not being able to hold yourself up while you shower, that's a real problem. My grass is always greener instinct says, they're just fucking lazy and don't want to do what's right. 

Especially during my recovery my nutrition is perfection and I do everything in my power to properly work around my disabilities to keep the rest of my body strong. I do everything to type A perfection yet the problems are still there and the pain persists and there is nothing I can do. It's hard to look at the world around me and see people in what I feel are self created or not life shattering situations while I struggle to just walk. It's hard not to have resentment but the truth is I constantly remind myself it could be even harder, even from where I sit.  So, I allow myself to feel these resentments and to acknowledge its hard but then it's on to the next positive distraction even if it's playing my sax for only 10 minutes until it's hurts too much to play. Those 10 minutes of joy can produce enough elation (endorphins) to overshadow an hour of pain. Then onto the next positive thing because if I didn't keep myself positive, I wouldn't be able to give kindly and feel empathy for others. Like my friend who can't conceive because it is a real problem to her so it makes it real for me. 

Through my pain and hurt the perception could be the negative one my emotional instinct feels but through positive actions my true self reacts.  By taking care of my emotional needs honestly, I don't let it affect how I treat others because we are all supposed to feel and we all deserve to have our feelings respected. 

So emotional! 

Blogging Straight from soaking in the hot tub!!!!